A detour…

Reassigned to Florida— will I ever make it to Angola??

Apr 03, 2023

Oi fofos! <333

For those of you who don’t care about my feelings or well being, you can just skip to the bottom for pictures! :) Love ya.

Reassigned…

I haven’t yet reached Angola. Instead, I’ve been reassigned to Orlando Florida, and spent the last month and a half crossing my fingers that my VISA for Angola will arrive.

Reassignments for Angola can take anywhere from a couple weeks to a year or longer… but at least I’m still using Portuguese, tem muitos Brasileiros aqui!

I don’t think I’m ready to kindly or gently express my experience transitioning into the mission field, so I won’t say much about it. I will say, however, that at times, it’s felt like I’m stuffing my feet into shoes I’ve outgrown, and it’s been really painful.

The best part of each day is the six-ish minutes of privacy I have in the shower. During which I cry, and I cry… and I cry some more. It’s the perfect cover because the water rinses the tears away and drowns out the sounds of sobs!

When I’m ready, and/ or if the time ever feels right, maybe I’ll say more.

Starfish…

There’s a story my Mom used to tell me about a beach where the tide had risen and fallen, leaving hundreds of starfish behind, dehydrated.

A man and his friend wander along this beach, and every so often, one of them pick’s up a starfish and tosses it back into the sea. The second man says to the first, “Why bother? There’s so many, you’ll never make a difference, it doesn’t matter.”

The first man simply answers, “It matters to this one,” as he returns another to the ocean.

Despite the pride, the hypocrisy and the blatant dogma and logical fallacies that frustrate me in this missionary environment, I’m seeing the work, well… work.

Sometimes, I’m really unhappy with what I’m doing here. I dislike the way I’m being asked to do it. But…or maybe and… either way—I’d be lying if I said none of this matters, or that it’s all pointless.

Because, the truth is, it’s not all pointless.

Occasionally, stars align, and the right person, meets the right missionary, at the right time, and as a result, one more life is better than it was yesterday. I’ve seen that happen. And it’s beautiful.

And, it may not be a lot, but it’s everything to THAT individual— they’ve been returned by a kind soul into an ocean of Love, no longer just surviving, but rehydrated …. and living. (Do I think this is the only way to find God? Or even the “best?” No way, José. There’s no such thing “only one way” or one best way.” But it’s okay to believe there is! I feel that way all the time about the way I like to see life. I ask myself, “is my way the best? Or the only?” And the answer is always no! But also—this way, “my way” is okay for me…and for today. And that’s enough. . .)

It’s difficult to feel like I can make any real change here, at least the kind of change that I want to make. But that’s my pride talking, the ego talking, or maybe you want to call it the Voice of Knowledge, or Satan (or your mother-in-law). Whichever way, who am I to say the change that I want to make in this big, beautiful world has to look a certain way? Ultimately, all I really want is for people to find the metaphor, the way, that brings them the most individually relevant tools to come close to the spirit of Love (which also goes by a million names, pick your favorite). If this mission is the platform and the opportunity … and the infrastructure, frankly, that I have access to right now to do my part to help increase the presence of Love in people’s lives? Well, it would be prideful for me to decline simply because it’s not my particular favorite flavor. Hot girls aren’t picky. 💁‍♀️

Maybe I’ll be the right missionary for the right person. Maybe I’ll be the right missionary for the right missionary. Or, maybe, I’ll be the right missionary for you, here, reading my clumsy (best I can do) words.

So yeah, maybe I’ll change a life or two. And maybe that change will change me for the better.

But the one thing I’m sure of is that the life I’ll change the most will be my own.

It’s uncomfortable here, I don’t know if it’s sustainable for a full two years to be honest. But I know I’m not yet at the juncture to make that decision. For now, I will continue to show up, every day, with all my intention pointed towards Love. (Just like my momma learnt me.)

Some days that means an amazing day, full of outward (and inward) expressions of positivity, a great sense of perspective, and clear purpose …overflowing from my heart. Other days, that means doing everything in my power to simply survive. (Admittedly, maybe this is just LIFE. In general. And maybe that’s okay.)

One of my priorities, and a guiding principle of my own life, is to always try to find a way to love the thing that is causing me suffering. Sometimes, I achieve this great priority and principle of mine. Others times, I realize I’m trying so hard to “should” my way into peace and love that it’s causing me more suffering, and thus, it’s distancing me from my spirit. . . distancing me from the very Love I seek. . . .

I’m learning how to understand and have compassion for things that I don’t agree with, and instead of trying to “should” my way into having peace with it, I just observe it, with curiosity. As I do this, I try to have peace with the thing that I am actually experiencing—the thing I actually have control over—my thoughts. And as a result, my feelings can (and often do) change.

By accepting and acknowledging my body’s response to something that is making it feel unsafe, I always find myself settling back into a more enlightened state, from which I can make better informed and inspired decisions about how to continue forward, in a way that perpetuates Love in my life and in the lives of those around me.

I have a long road to walk ahead, and I may have to take these tight, crushing shoes off sometimes and just carry them. And no, I don’t know what that will look like. I don’t know what twists or turns or loopdiloops are in store for me, but it’ll be a good story, no matter what!

Something awesome!

The good news is, I got my VISA! It’s honestly amazing that I did so quickly. There are others who’ve been waiting on their VISA for Angola for months (and months, and months…) longer than I have, and they still haven’t received theirs.

I have so much gratitude for the lessons I’ve learned and the perspective I’ve gained here in the Florida Orlando Mission. AND I’m so ready and grateful that now it’s time for me to move forward to Angola (with a few new, hard earned, tools on my belt).

In fact, I’m typing this out as I fly from Orlando to New York. From there, I’ll go: New York to Paris, then Paris to Luanda.

T-Minus thirty five hours until Angola!

Thank you nosy peeps for reading my journal. I hope my innermost thoughts, fears, and raw, honest feelings are interesting enough that you don’t regret dedicating a few minutes of your life to me . . . instead of the new season of Ted Lasso. If not, I’m sorry, no refunds.

I may not be able to receive packages in Angola, but I appreciate your attention. That’s unbelievably generous of you, truly.

Te amo! Tchauzinho <33