The half way mark

I’ve been an LDS missionary for a year and this is how my beliefs have changed

As pedras negras de Malanje

I’VE BEEN ON MY MISSION FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR NOW

I really wanted to write something deep and meaningful. Something that makes you go, “wow, he’s so articulate and wise.” Something that makes me feel really good about myself, you know? But honestly, I’ve got nothing. No huge realization. No massive shift in my beliefs. Just showing up everyday, trying to love others in every way I’m able. Trusting that ultimately, that’s the whole point.

One year down, one to go, and I guess I’ve changed a lot, but from where I’m standing, it’s been a pretty darn slow process. Even if it’s really only been one year.

I’ve never felt so isolated or lonely. Never so exhausted, guilty, at peace, confused, undistracted, intelligent, stupid, useless, useful, or awesome either. Being isolated—and cut off from nearly every possible distraction—means that every feeling feels like a pretty big one, but it also means I’m forced to confront and make peace with each of them when they come along.

The biggest feeling, though, I felt long before all this started. Fear. Fear of the place I’d be going. (No, not Angola. Angola is rad). I was horrified of submerging myself 100% in a theology, any theology, where there are things I fundamentally, wholeheartedly disagree with, and then, coming out on the other side, “one of them.” I knew then and I know now that “they” are happy, “they” have a sense of purpose, “they” have answers and certainty and a beautiful sense of community and experience miracles. “They” have a fantastic way to live. And I was afraid I’d see that, feel it, and want to be a part of it and only it, forever.

Turns out I was right, but I was also wrong.

I was right in that I couldn’t half-ass the 10% of my entire life (up until now) that is a 2 year LDS mission—by the way, that’s a massive commitment if you stop and think about it. So I dedicated 100% of myself to this journey. I’m giving it my all, and I have seen miracles. I’ve seen lives changed, dramatically, for the better—from the deepest, darkest personal hells imaginable. Souls saved.

I’ve done it their way. Used their books, their theology, their stories, their rituals, their paradigms. But/and I was wrong in that, to my own great surprise, this hasn’t made me become one of “them.” Not in the all encompassing, ride or die way I feared it would.

In fact, the separation between “them” and me and others is disappearing completely. There are fundamental similarities between allllllll of them and us … and everyone, really. And that’s what I’ve focused on. Lines of separation have dissolved. And in the areas where it is still challenging, where the aforementioned lines still feel solid and strong—where differences between me and “them” can feel especially vast and uncomfortable—I’ve gotten a lot better about not taking it all so personally.(Admittedly, that’s sometimes easier said than done).

It’s beautiful when separation disappears, when lines dissolve. Because what’s left when we’re not so focused on what separates? People. That’s what. And love is a lot easier when it’s only about people… all people, always, and no matter what.

I could tell you what I believe now, today, one year in, and honestly? Some of it would probably be surprising coming from an actively deployed christian missionary. But guess what? THAT AINT NONE OF YA BUSINESS. Why you so nosy??

All joking aside, the bottom line is, I’m not so scared anymore. And I don’t really care or feel so much tumultuousness over the specifics of what I believe (or don’t believe) anymore either. The reality is, understanding and belief is gonna change and evolve time and time again throughout my entire life anyway. So I’ll just use what I have available to me right now and trust that I’ll always find what I need, as I need it, moving forward. (By the way, you will to. Relax and trust the process. Everything is going to be okay.)

A QUICK UPDATE ON MY LIFE:

Since the last time we talked, I’ve been transferred 3 more times. That makes an entire year of having received a new companion every. single. transfer… If you aren’t familiar with LDS missions, that’s very uncommon. Maybe I’m the problem? Whatever the reason, I’m grateful for everything each of these companions has taught me over the last year, during each of our respective 6 weeks together. When else in my life will I get to speed co-live with 8 different people in such a short amount of time. That’s some pretty intense life training.

Recently, that particular storm has calmed, but a new one’s arrived (as tends to be the case in missions, and in life, generally speaking). I’ve been designated as the Financial Secretary for the mission. Which sounds boring, and it can be. But it can also be really intense and engaging (not to mention a massive responsibility).

Here’s a picture by me, of me (AKA a selfie) on a pitstop while road tripping to give financial trainings to local leadership in another province

Aside from like, money stuff, my companion and I take care of just about every other random need the mission might have. We (by the way I was transferred back to my FAVORITE comp, and we’ll stick together in our secretary companionship for 6 whole months until he goes home) take care of our own responsibilities as secretaries, as well as all the work that normally 3 senior couples (6 whole humans) would do + we are very involved in the inner-workings of branch and group units throughout the entire country.

To say we’re really busy would be a massive understatement. I’m talking, in 4 days we work 90/96 hours kind of busy. Yes, that actually, literally happened one week, pretty recently. I only survived by shoveling dry pre-workout into my mouth by the TBSP (also actually and literally).

Notably, in this new role, I haven’t taught a single lesson in 2 months! Which sounds like the exact opposite of what a “good” missionary should be stoked about, but nobody gets to tell me whether I’m good or not (except me) and I can be be stoked about whatever I want.

As I reflect on everything that led to this massive shift in my responsibilities as a missionary, I find it truly humbling to have been been placed in a position where I can still help others and make meaningful contributions without feeling conflicted/worrying that I’m compromising my own conscience. I’m also profoundly grateful to be gaining so many new skills and experiences—far greater proficiency in a language that I love and that will change my life forever as one example of many.

I’m tired. The days are full, and long, and I’ve had what feels like an eternal migraine since I started working in the office. Also, it turns out that accounting is … like, hard and boring, and also, like, stressfully high-stakes.

Overall, I’m also very satisfied. Hard work makes even the longest of days, weeks, and months FLY by. In no time, I’ll be home and applying all this numbers stuff to start, I dunno, like a career or something. Wild.

More than anything, over the past year, while there’s a lot I don’t know, I have become really clear about one thing. I know who I want to BE during and on the other side of all this.

I want to be:

1. Someone I like to be around.

2. Someone who allows other people be someone who they like to be around.

Let’s call this/these my One Year/New Year’s resolutions.

COMMENTS

1. What do you think makes a “good” missionary?

2. What’s your relationship like with your religion (or lack there of)?

3. BONUS to number 2:  What do you want that relationship to be like?

4. New Year’s resolutions?